For many parents, the most painful moment in a divorce isn’t the paperwork, the court dates, or the negotiations — it’s telling your child that the family is changing.
In this episode of Divorce Well in Florida, we sat down with Dr. Stephanie Renfrow, a pediatric neuropsychologist practicing in Boca Raton, Florida (and Raleigh, North Carolina), to talk about what children experience during divorce — and what parents can do to reduce harm.
This guide covers:
The best way to break the news to your children
What to do in the first day and week after telling them
Common reactions by age (including subtle ones)
Why consistency matters more than “perfect” parenting
How therapy can help children process divorce
How to handle badmouthing and high-conflict co-parenting
When 50/50 time-sharing may be disruptive for some kids
How to Tell Your Child You’re Getting Divorced
Dr. Renfrow’s core recommendation is simple — when possible, tell the kids together.
If You Can: Present a Unified Front
Ideally, both parents should sit down with the children and explain the divorce as a team. This communicates:
“We’re both still here.”
“You’re supported.”
“You’re not losing your parents — you’re moving into a new family structure.”
Say This Out Loud: “This Is Not Your Fault.”
Even if your child never says it, many kids wonder whether they caused the divorce. Parents should explicitly state:
The divorce is an adult decision
Your child didn’t cause it
Your child is unconditionally loved
Keep It Simple and Fact-Based
Avoid:
Over-explaining
Blaming
Adult-level details
Promises you aren’t sure you can keep
Children do better with:
Calm delivery
Simple language
Short-term clarity (“Here’s what will happen this week”)
The First 24 Hours and First Week After the Talk
A major mistake is “dropping the bomb” and moving on.
Check In the Next Day
Dr. Renfrow recommends a follow-up conversation the next day, especially for younger kids:
Validate the impact (“That conversation may have been surprising or upsetting.”)
Invite questions (“Do you have any questions for me?”)
Keep your tone calm and grounded
Frequent Check-Ins for Younger Children
Younger kids often process big changes in small bursts. Short, steady check-ins help:
Reduce fear of the unknown
Reinforce safety
Prevent internalizing worry
What Kids Feel First: Sadness, Then Fear
Dr. Renfrow explained that children often start with sadness, but quickly move to fear of the unknown.
That fear can show up in two main ways:
Internalized Fear
Anxiety
Withdrawal
Social disconnection
Declining grades
“Shutting down”
Externalized Fear
Acting out
Anger
Defiance
Aggression
The important point: fear doesn’t look the same in every child.
Subtle Signs Parents Miss (Especially in “Good Kids”)
Regression in Younger Kids
Common “quiet” signals include:
Bedwetting
Potty training regression
Sleep disruptions
Appetite changes (over- or under-eating)
Perfectionism in Elementary-Age Kids
Dr. Renfrow noted that around ages 8–10 (often in girls, though it can happen in any child), some kids respond by becoming:
Overly compliant
People-pleasing
“Perfect”
This can be mistaken as “they’re doing great,” when the child is actually trying to control chaos by becoming “easy.”
Is There a “Best Age” to Divorce?
Parents often ask: “Should we wait until they’re older?”
Dr. Renfrow’s answer: There isn’t a universally ‘best’ age.
Divorce impact is more about circumstances than age:
The child’s developmental and mental health needs
How much stability and routine can be maintained
Whether family support exists (extended family nearby)
How abruptly life changes (housing, schedules, caregivers)
Even toddlers can experience stress from transitions. Teenagers may understand more — and that awareness can create its own emotional weight.
Stability and Familiarity Matter More Than Perfection
When children transition to two households, the goal is often:
Familiarity
Predictability
Routine
Keep What You Can Familiar
Helpful examples:
Similar bedtime routines
Familiar morning structure
Letting kids bring a comfort item (like a stuffed animal) between homes
How Long Does Adjustment Take?
In an ideal situation — consistent routine, low conflict, stable parenting — Dr. Windrow noted many children may adjust over one to two years.
But that timeline can vary significantly based on:
Conflict levels
Stability between homes
A child’s individual temperament and mental health
Some kids are naturally more adaptable. Others are not.
Can Divorce Cause Irreparable Harm?
Divorce can be damaging — but Dr. Windrow emphasized that parents have agency.
How parents handle divorce can make it:
A harmful experience, or
A difficult but ultimately manageable transition
Even if mistakes happen, repair is possible through:
Therapy
Consistent parenting
A healing environment
Co-parenting focus
Is Therapy Ever a Bad Idea for Kids?
Dr. Windrow’s view was clear: therapy is almost always helpful.
The main risk isn’t therapy itself — it’s when a parent:
Undermines it
Badmouths the therapist
Makes the child feel “wrong” for going
Sometimes symptoms temporarily feel “worse” when therapy begins because emotions surface — but that can be part of processing, not harm.
Should Divorced Parents Do Things Together (Like Halloween)?
Joint events can help — if they’re truly child-focused.
Dr. Windrow cautioned:
Kids are highly intuitive
If parents “fake it” poorly (sarcasm, tension, passive aggression), kids will feel it
If parents can keep it calm and positive, joint events may provide:
Comfort
Family continuity
But clarity is key. Parents should avoid confusing signals and communicate simply:
“Dad is coming to trick-or-treat with you. You’ll have a great time. Then he’ll go back to his house, and you’ll see him next week.”
When One Parent Isn’t Stable or Responsible
This is one of the hardest realities in family law: sometimes one household is structured and healthy, and the other is chaotic.
Dr. Windrow’s guidance focused on what the stable parent can control:
1) Don’t Shame the Other Parent
Avoid:
“Your mom is neglectful.”
“Your dad is a mess.”
This puts the child in a loyalty conflict and creates shame.
2) Normalize Differences Without Labeling Them as “Wrong”
Children can understand:
“Things are different at mom’s house and at dad’s house.”
3) Ask Open Questions
“How do you feel about that?”
“What’s hard about the transition?”
Then help them process feelings without blame.
4) Be the Grounding Parent
Your job is to build:
Consistency
Structure
Safety
Predictability
Even if the other home is inconsistent, your home can be a steady base.
Florida’s 50/50 Time-Sharing Presumption: Is It Always Best for Kids?
In Florida, there is often a presumption that shared parental responsibility and substantial time-sharing is in a child’s best interest.
Dr. Windrow offered a clinical perspective: the child’s best interest should be case-by-case.
For some children — especially those with:
Autism spectrum differences
Anxiety
Neurodevelopmental challenges
— frequent transitions can be disruptive. Some kids thrive with:
Fewer transitions
More routine stability
A more predictable “home base”
This is where mental health professionals and family law attorneys can work together: identifying what supports the child’s emotional regulation and development.
What to Do When Your Ex Badmouths You to the Child
Badmouthing creates long-term emotional harm — and it’s one of the most common co-parenting issues we see.
Dr. Windrow’s approach:
Don’t Mirror the Toxicity
Don’t respond with:
“Your dad is terrible.”
“Your mom is lying.”
Model Emotional Maturity
You can validate and redirect:
“That wasn’t a kind thing to say.”
“Maybe your dad is having a hard time right now.”
“We can forgive people even when they don’t handle things well.”
This teaches:
empathy
forgiveness
conflict resolution
And it protects your child from feeling torn.
What a Pediatric Neuropsychologist Actually Does
Dr. Windrow explained that she focuses on testing and diagnostic evaluation, not traditional weekly talk therapy.
Neuropsychological testing can help clarify:
ADHD vs stress-related attention issues
Learning differences vs emotional disruption
Anxiety, depression, trauma markers
Cognitive strengths and weaknesses
Adaptability and stress response patterns
Testing often includes:
parent interviews
standardized cognitive testing (IQ can start around age 3.5)
behavioral and emotional measures
age-appropriate methods (including drawings/stories for younger children)
This can be especially helpful when parents ask:
“Is this divorce-related?”
“Is this a learning issue?”
“Is my child struggling emotionally?”
The Big Takeaway: Your Mental Health Shapes Your Child’s Experience
One theme came up repeatedly:
Children need space.
If a parent’s mental space is consumed by:
court stress
resentment
fear
conflict
…it’s harder to provide emotional safety. The healthier and more grounded the parents are, the more stability the child experiences.